Thursday, March 24, 2011

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

3D Ultrasound

Here is my beautiful baby! It was laying with it's face toward my back so it was a little hard to catch the face full on.  Then it moved!  But it curled up into a ball with it's legs crossed over its face and head.  In one photo you can see a foot right next to the forehead.  I think it is going to look like Bill judged on the lips!  I just can't wait to kiss that little nose.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Although I will never hold Cheryl in my arms again, I will always hold her in my heart.  I last saw her three years ago but we talked often on the phone.  This last year I sent her flowers a couple of times, a digital photo frame filled with family pictures, bread for Christmas, and the last thing I sent was a moving plan, with a schedule of the adventure she was soon to depart on with Bill.  But that arrived one day too late. 

My grandmother told me something this week.  She said that as people get older, they need to be wanted and needed.  I had wanted Cheryl to move to Alaska with us when we first moved in 2003.  After all this time, I was so excited that she was finally coming.  I always enjoyed every moment I spent with her and I was looking forward to spending time with her every day.  I knew we would get along well and she would cherish every minute she would spend with Aerin, Ethan and the new baby.

I loved her.  From the moment I first met her, I thought she was wonderful.  She welcomed me into her life and treated me as her own daughter.  She introduced me to pancakes the size of plates, rummaging on Saturdays, bacon forks, mid-western phrases, and the awesomeness of hairspray.  When she took me under her wing, I became part of her family.   Family was everything to her.  She always told me she loved me, sent me little things she thought I would like, and told me how proud she was of my family.  She loved Aerin and Ethan from the first second she knew they were coming and she was so excited that we are having another baby. 

I will miss her every day.  I will miss living with her.  I will miss introducing her around Nenana.  I will miss her when I hold my new baby.  I will miss seeing her hug Aerin and Ethan.  I will miss our phone calls and her voice on the answering machine.  I will miss sending her cards and flowers.  I will miss the things she will never send me.

I am sure she is in heaven with her glue gun, finding places that need more diamonds and rubies. 

Tuesday, March 01, 2011

Missing Joy

A year ago today I was in Hawaii, sitting in the ER in Honolulu, and the doctor told me "the product of conception is no longer viable."  What he meant was that my baby had died.  The baby I had longed for for eight years, the baby we were so excited about, the baby we already loved.  Even though I was only twelve weeks along, the baby was part of our family.

When Bill and I had to tell the kids and my mom, we were in shock and heartbroken.  They had known we were going to the hospital, but when we said the baby had died, the first thing that the kids said was "Are you serious? You're kidding, right?"  I told them I would never joke about something like this, and we cried together. Then we took a walk along the street and the beach and cried some more and talked about serious things.  We discussed how the baby would forever be a part of our family, even though we would never hold it in our arms.  We chose to name the baby Joy.  We did not know the gender yet, but this child had brought us such joy already, it seemed fitting for either a boy or girl. We then bought ice cream treats to celebrate the life of Joy, however short it may have been.

I am going through this sadness alone today as my husband is in Iowa, taking care of his mom's estate.  She died last Friday.  I am just overwhelmed with grief.  I know I should reach out to someone today, but the only person I want is not able to be here with me. I think I will just hole up and take a bath and a nap.